On Thursday night, around 7:30 p.m., I was pumping gas at the station next to Zandri’s Stillwood Inn on Route 5 in Wallingford. About the same time I started filling my SUV, a car pulled in on the other side of the pumps. A woman, who looked to be in her early 20s, got out of an older model compact car and walked toward the pump.
A few minutes later, I was done and she had not started. She poked her head around the pump and started to speak but nothing came out. Her eyes went down and then up at me.
“I know this sounds strange, but it won’t accept my card. Do you have $5 for some gas?.”
Unfortunately, I rarely carry cash.
“I’m sorry I don’t have any money,” I said. She muttered something, turned, got back into her car and started talking on her cell phone. I guessed that she was almost out of gas and didn’t want to chance driving to another station. But I’m not sure. She looked really distressed. I got into my car and searched my console. Sometimes I stick a couple of bucks in there and forget and sometimes I put aside quarters and accumulate a few bucks. No such luck. If I had found any money I would have given it to her. It occurred to me as I was driving away (She was still in her car) I could have simply swiped my debit card and pumped her $5 worth. For some reason I hadn’t thought of that earlier. Instead of turning around and helping, I drove off.
When I got home, I told my wife the story.
“That’s not like me,” I said. “I should have helped her.”
My wife scoffed. “I wouldn’t have given her anything,” she said, suspecting the girl might have been trying to scam me.
I don’t think so. Scam artists don’t try for $5.
“If it was a man you wouldn’t be worried about not helping,” she said. Good point. The fact that it was a woman made assume she was more helpless. That’s stereotyping.
Ten years ago I think I would have handled it differently. Twenty years ago I’m certain I would have.
It seems a lot of us are more suspicious and indifferent today. The girl was someone’s sister, someone’s child. Maybe she is related to someone I know. I don’t think I did the right thing.
Let me know what you think.
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6 comments:
What a story.
You did the right thing. Knowing how you are, you wouldn't have stopped at giving her $5 on your debit card. I think you would have given her more than that. I think you would have even pumped the gas for her.
I was once approached in the Shaw's parking lot by a young girl and another person in a car (I can't remember if the other person was male or female). I was putting the grocery bags in the trunk and out of nowhere this car pulls up next to me. The girl tells me "you don't have to help me, but my sister took money from me and I don't have any money to pay for gas to get to Fairfield." I told her emphatically that I would not give her any money and she zoomed away.
Another incident occurred while in the Stop & Shop parking lot. My sister was helping me by putting the boys in the car and I was putting groceries in the trunk. Again, out of nowhere, I see a woman approach my sister first. I stopped what I was doing and asked "What is going on?" The woman approached me. The story she told was that her daughter took her money and she didn't have any. Could we help? I said no and she proceeded to walk toward Route 5 in the rain.
Don't feel guilty. You work hard for what you have and you are responsible. Others need to do the same. Hopefully, this young girl will figure it out.
Tough call - there are so many people with the sense of entitlement ("I should have more - the next person has more") that folks expect there to be people scamming at every corner.
I generally help someone every day or I at least try to in some way. Might be something that only costs me my time (computer advice) or it might be some of the work I do or cash I donate at Wish Upon a Hero or DonorsChoose.
I do this mainly because of what you pointed out “a lot of us are more suspicious and indifferent today” and it’s true; everyone’s natural instinct these days is to automatically assume that someone is just out to take advantage of others’ good will. Because it is a natural reaction these days I have to go out of my way to fight it and like what happened to you, sometimes I just succumb to the natural flow of things today which is to distrust first or I am simply too busy to get involved.
Almost like guilty until proven innocent, suspicious until trusted seems to be the way it is.
As you mentioned, 20 years ago more than one person would have offered up enough for a couple of gallons of gas (today’s $5.00 worth) and thought nothing more than to just do it. Now we ask all sorts of questions why.
There’s no right or wrong here in what you did – this to me sort of just falls to the “that’s the way it is” today.
The fact that it is the way that it is today is what is wrong.
I don’t know if things could change; I know some things have gotten worse so I assume they could get better but they won’t until we each try to do a little something better to the next person and perhaps they pass it along like “Pay it Forward” suggests.
I’m not living with my head in the clouds but I do know that if I don’t try to do a little something on my own to change things to the positive they will certainly stay where they are or slip to the negative.
To me that is worth small change like $5.00 when I remember to override that natural tendency to not want to help with a hand out or helping a total stranger. It doesn’t happen every time and like you point out – sometimes I drive away thinking about how maybe I should have done something a little more.
Almost every weekend there are kids asking for donations or selling something at the grocery store for some cause or sports. I have a tough time saying no to kids. Even if I don't have enough money to buy what they are selling, I will dig deep to find a few coins. However, when it is an adult and especially one that had access to a cell phone, I would say no. She surely must know someone that could help her. Interesting dilema.
She had a number of other options besides asking you, if she legitimately needed the $5. She could have gone into the station and had the attendant run her card to see if it worked, gone to an ATM (likely one inside the station), called AAA (if she's a member) for a free gallon if she was truly running out, or calling someone else to bring her money (which is what she seems to have done). You did the right thing. She could have had a card-reader and would have stolen your information if you gave her your card. You never know nowadays.
Anonymous April 26, 7:27 p.m.,
Thanks for always finding a few coins for the kids who collect in front of stores on the weekends. My high-school aged son collects for both baseball and basketball. I've also helped out. Sports and other activities teach kids a lot and we are a better town because of them.
Anonymous April 27 at 11:50 a.m.,
Good points about her other options. I didn't consider those.
Elizabeth B. makes an important point. If you are in a store parking lot busy putting purchases in the car and watching children, be wary of anyone who approaches you out of the blue. It is probably a scam. I was a police reporter for many years and read many reports on such scams.
Jason,
If I ever am in a similar situation, I hope you are around.
A situation like this happened to me on the train from Grand Central to New Haven. A young mother need money to get home to her kids. I just turned by Ipod up so I would avoid giving while others gave some change. I immediately felt bad afterwards but minutes later the conductor came by & announced never to give money out because in fact it was a scam. You have to be weary because even though the person asked $5 so did that woman on the train (for change). A little can add to a lot.
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